Me and Ryan Olivia

Me and Ryan Olivia

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Not alone -

Being a single is tough, hard, not easy AT ALL. I believe that God did not intend for people to raise children alone...yet I also know and believe that He knew exactly what He was doing when He made me a parent, and I have been a single parent since the day I found out I was pregnant with Ryan Olivia...June 13 ,2009 .

All parents have crazy days...and all parents have days when if they were being graded on their parenting skills it would be a fail - but as a single parent, you don't have that partner...that person in the trenches with you raising the next generation...and I think that is the hardest part for me. Now I realize that my situation is different that many others that are single parents - in my world of single is me and me alone. There is no co-parenting, Ryan's father could not be less engaged in her life.

So tonight as I fight with my 2 year old about bed time.....while she stalls, screams, cries, gets out of the bed nine million times and screams "mommy" over and over at the top of her lungs. I sit in the hallway, at times, tears rolling down my face from heartbreak that she is so upset and frustration that we are having to do this again. While sitting there I imagine what it would be like to have someone in our lives that was helping me raise my baby girl to be the person God intends for her to be. Not that I expect it would be perfect, nor do I expect that the 2 year old fits would end...but more than anything someone would be in my corner, you know, a partner. I have recently said that what I am looking for in a man has completely changed...only that is not 100% true - what has changed is that I actually feel like I deserve the kind of man I am looking for now...where as before I did not. I think I said in a previous post that before I dated men I knew could not hurt me, because I knew that they would never have my heart.
Over the past several weeks I have watched many I know seem to find love...and to be quite honest, I sometimes find it annoying. Not that I am begrudging anyone their just brings up old self doubts, and lies of being unworthy of love. How is everyone finding someone but me!?!?! Thankfully I am blessed to have friends in my life that when I am feeling low they will speak truth into my weakness, I am so thankful for these ladies! I realize that now is not the time for me to meet the "one". I am confident I am following God's will with going back to school, and truthfully developing a new relationship is out of the question if I plan to make A's (as I need and want to) as well as remain an engaged, present and effective parent. So while there are moments of weakness and a few minutes of a pitty party here & there - the truth in my heart is that I trust Gods timing completely, and I know God already has all the details worked out. I know this without doubt because I have lived it and seen His perfect timing time and time again over the past 3 years in my own life.
So tonight as the crying/screaming stopped, Ryan finally drifts off to sleep and the house is quiet again....I sit here thinking. I recognize the desires of my heart and thank God that He put those desires in my heart, I thank God for trusting me with Ryan Olivia and pray that he guides my steps and my parenting each day, I ask for forgiveness for the times I fall short and have faith that He will pick me up and show me the way, and I imagine & pray for the life I will share with the man I am convinced God is preparing for me. See my God, is a good God! He loves me, and wants the best for me...and tonight He reminds me that I am not alone, I have not been alone since the day I accepted Him into my life and heart...from that very moment I was His and He has been with me - :) He wants what is best for me, and He knows what is best.

So being a single parent is TOUGH, HARD and NOT EASY AT ALL. But this mama that has been a single parent since day 1 is not alone....and truly never was :)

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back
to the place from which I carried you into exile.”
Jeremiah 29:11-14

Be Blessed Friends!!