to date or not to date is not the question.....
The question is "how to date???" - for the friends in my life that know me very well....let's just say that they will laugh initially when they read that I am questioning "how to date" - see I am a 37 year old woman that has been on a lot of dates....dating has never been an issue, I once joked it was my part time job - But when those same friends read the question a second time, knowing how EVERYTHING about my life, who I am and what I am looking for has changed....I wonder what they would say...???
My dating life started when I was about 25 years old - I was recently divorced from the one person I have ever been in love with, for that matter the one person I have ever even told that I loved him. I was devastated by my divorce. I was ashamed, felt like a failure, humiliated....just overall crushed. And in those first few weeks of devastation I made a verbal promise to myself. I actually looked myself in the mirror and vowed that no one would ever get close enough to my heart to break it again. Seems harmless...I mean I was a young adult, with a broken heart - time heals all wounds right???
But years went by....and I just never met the "right" guy....don't get me wrong, I have been out with some great guys....I just always found a reason not to be interested and let them go. Or my more consistent pattern was to pick the WRONG guy - the one that was not looking for me to commit my heart & not the kind of person I was really looking for - see this was safe for me, cause in my mind they could not hurt me, at least they couldn't break my heart because I would never give them my heart. What I did not realize was that I was hurting myself, over and over again - picking people that reinforced the feelings of failure, humiliation and of be ashamed. I really wanted something so much more, but I'd convinced myself that I didn't deserve it.
Then everything changed literally overnight :) haha.
In all seriousness - I had to grow up, take a hard look at me....and I realized something (I realized many things but we're talking about dating here) I had not found the right person because I was not the type of person the person I am looking for would want in their life (it is ok to reread that, haha) - Now I know that there are many people in my life that would say I am a good person, honest, loyal, a good friend, etc. etc. But I had spent 10 YEARS of my life running scared, running away from me and how I saw myself, running away from hurt, running away from finding love and healing my heart! I'd allowed a verbal vow I made to myself become a foothold for the devil....and he used it to his full advantage without my ever realizing what I was doing and the time I was wasting. I allowed the feeling of fear from a broken heart to shape the person I had become and that person avoided love at all cost.
I have several people in my life that show me on a regular basis, that although love is not always easy - it is and can be very real. That it is possible to bare your heart and soul to another, and that person will cherish and protect you with everything they have to give. They have shown me that people will nuture your heart and will stand with you always. They show me that the kind of love that burns in your soul is real and it is attainable sometimes even more than once in your lifetime - but you have to trust, be honest, open your heart, and take the risk of getting your heart broken. In the past year, I have found a renewed relationship with Christ, I have found my heart again. And I want to share it again...one day, with the right person. So I am working on and have been working on me....being the person the person I am looking for is looking for...And I look forward to my "new" dating life once it begins and I begin to figure out "how to date" :)
My dating life started when I was about 25 years old - I was recently divorced from the one person I have ever been in love with, for that matter the one person I have ever even told that I loved him. I was devastated by my divorce. I was ashamed, felt like a failure, humiliated....just overall crushed. And in those first few weeks of devastation I made a verbal promise to myself. I actually looked myself in the mirror and vowed that no one would ever get close enough to my heart to break it again. Seems harmless...I mean I was a young adult, with a broken heart - time heals all wounds right???
But years went by....and I just never met the "right" guy....don't get me wrong, I have been out with some great guys....I just always found a reason not to be interested and let them go. Or my more consistent pattern was to pick the WRONG guy - the one that was not looking for me to commit my heart & not the kind of person I was really looking for - see this was safe for me, cause in my mind they could not hurt me, at least they couldn't break my heart because I would never give them my heart. What I did not realize was that I was hurting myself, over and over again - picking people that reinforced the feelings of failure, humiliation and of be ashamed. I really wanted something so much more, but I'd convinced myself that I didn't deserve it.
Then everything changed literally overnight :) haha.
In all seriousness - I had to grow up, take a hard look at me....and I realized something (I realized many things but we're talking about dating here) I had not found the right person because I was not the type of person the person I am looking for would want in their life (it is ok to reread that, haha) - Now I know that there are many people in my life that would say I am a good person, honest, loyal, a good friend, etc. etc. But I had spent 10 YEARS of my life running scared, running away from me and how I saw myself, running away from hurt, running away from finding love and healing my heart! I'd allowed a verbal vow I made to myself become a foothold for the devil....and he used it to his full advantage without my ever realizing what I was doing and the time I was wasting. I allowed the feeling of fear from a broken heart to shape the person I had become and that person avoided love at all cost.
I have several people in my life that show me on a regular basis, that although love is not always easy - it is and can be very real. That it is possible to bare your heart and soul to another, and that person will cherish and protect you with everything they have to give. They have shown me that people will nuture your heart and will stand with you always. They show me that the kind of love that burns in your soul is real and it is attainable sometimes even more than once in your lifetime - but you have to trust, be honest, open your heart, and take the risk of getting your heart broken. In the past year, I have found a renewed relationship with Christ, I have found my heart again. And I want to share it again...one day, with the right person. So I am working on and have been working on me....being the person the person I am looking for is looking for...And I look forward to my "new" dating life once it begins and I begin to figure out "how to date" :)
Great blog. We change when we have children, we see things completely different! Seems as if I have been raising kids my whole life. I am a lot like you with the whole dating thing, it's tough. I've actually been more involved in church as of lately, and I'm now working on me too! It's a long road and I hope that with each day that goes by we can both be better women and mothers. Thanks for sharing Samantha!
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