Me and Ryan Olivia

Me and Ryan Olivia

Friday, October 28, 2011

He speaks....

So anyone that knows me well knows the struggles I have been thru the past two and half years - there is a person in my life....someone that I am forever tied to.

Yep, Ryan's father...he is at the root of a lot of my stress, tears, anger, fear and heartache over the past two and half years. At first, when I was pregnant, I prayed for courage, strength and wisdom when dealing with him....to be honest I still pray for that. But lately I have been praying for something else where he is concerned....I have been praying for my heart to heal and that I will truly forgive him - not just "say" I have forgiven him...but to let it all go - give it to God and truly forgive him the debt.

See, I want to forgive...it really seems silly that I haven't/can't considering I have been forgiven of my sin where God is concerned....I mean really how can I not forgive him???? But it has been a struggle for me! I say that I "forgive him" but really in my heart he angers me, he does things that drive me NUTS, he has never "owned" his part or how selfish and awful he treated me, he has not been plugged in and the father that I believe my precious daughter deserves....so I have wondered to myself, is forgiveness a decision? Sometime forgiveness feels like being a fool, I mean how do you just forget the past?? We are only human.....and it is hard to forget...really hard sometimes when the person you are dealing with seems to never let you fully forget. Or is forgiveness really as simple as making the decision to forgive....Can you just decide to forgive?? I don't know?!!?

But I do know this......If you will allow yourself to surrender to God, and listen to the Holy Spirit when it stirs your soul....amazing things happen.

Ryan's father is in town today and tomorrow for his monthly visit. He arrived at our home around 3:15 PM. We all spent the afternoon together...went out for dinner and after getting Ryan ready for bed I decided to run to Publix alone while he was here to watch Ryan. As I am pulling back into the driveway I "hear"this - he has no where to stay tonight and if he has the courage to ask let him stay on the couch. I come on in the house....wrestling with my emotions about this...I mean WHAT THE HECK!?!?!??! SERIOUSLY????? LET HIM SLEEP HERE?!?!?!? he will never ask me that...right?!?!?!

After being home for 30 minutes he says to me....."Sam, do you mind if I sleep on your couch? I have no where to stay tonight." So here I am......9:10 PM my baby girl in her room asleep, and her dad asleep on my couch.....she will be so excited when she wakes in the morning and he is here. So maybe forgiveness is not being a fool and forgetting the past - but a simple decision to learn from the past and move gracefully into the future???

God continues to answer my prayers - he reveals that he always knows best - and I am reminded that He is in me, working to heal my heart and as long I trust Him, lean into Him and listen to Him....it will all be OK

Sunday, October 23, 2011

10 months later....

So it has been 10 months since I last visited my own blog....my, my....that was not the plan - :) BUT I am BACK!

I am going to make an effort to blog more often....It is something I want to have not only for myself  but maybe for Ryan one day. See I just read the blog I wrote in January....and I realize that I have accomplished most of my resolutions for this year, which was an amazing thing!!! There were only 3 total and before reading my blog I did not remember what my resolutions had been. See I used to journal all the time....but when I read the journals of my past I read about hurt, struggle, & confusion sprinkled with a very little good here and there. But EVERYTHING in my life has changed - I finally "got it" - my focus has been and will continue to be my personal relationship with God, I surrendered and I have never been more fulfilled and at peace. God has shown up in a HUGE way in my life...and over the past year I found out that He has been with me all along. There are many "things" I want....many things that are not ideal right now in my life such as my job, living situation, and car, haha....but I have peace, I am not worried, I truly know that He has a plan for my life, that He knows my heart and His plan is greater than anything I can imagine.

I opened my heart to God, looking for him and being still waiting for Him to show me the way and His will for my life. I visited an amazing weekend retreat in April, that allowed me to grow closer to God in understanding not only Him but me...the me He made me to be. I have found a church home that I feel privileged to be a part of, and excited for my daughter to be raised knowing her heavenly Father. I have joined a small group thru my church with 10 other amazing Christian women that are a blessing I never expected or thought could truly exist. I have "heard" God speak to me...and I have tried to lean in and listen. My relationship with God will be my number 1 top priority forever!

So....I will journal again - I am certain there will be times of hurt, and struggle but I am no longer confused nor am I afraid! He has been with me all along, He fills my heart and I now understand that I am a child of God. And He Himself has said "I will never leave you nor forsake you" Hebrews 13:5

Now...time to knock those "bad" carbs and sugar out of my diet!! :)