He speaks....
So anyone that knows me well knows the struggles I have been thru the past two and half years - there is a person in my life....someone that I am forever tied to.
Yep, Ryan's father...he is at the root of a lot of my stress, tears, anger, fear and heartache over the past two and half years. At first, when I was pregnant, I prayed for courage, strength and wisdom when dealing with him....to be honest I still pray for that. But lately I have been praying for something else where he is concerned....I have been praying for my heart to heal and that I will truly forgive him - not just "say" I have forgiven him...but to let it all go - give it to God and truly forgive him the debt.
See, I want to forgive...it really seems silly that I haven't/can't considering I have been forgiven of my sin where God is concerned....I mean really how can I not forgive him???? But it has been a struggle for me! I say that I "forgive him" but really in my heart he angers me, he does things that drive me NUTS, he has never "owned" his part or how selfish and awful he treated me, he has not been plugged in and the father that I believe my precious daughter deserves....so I have wondered to myself, is forgiveness a decision? Sometime forgiveness feels like being a fool, I mean how do you just forget the past?? We are only human.....and it is hard to forget...really hard sometimes when the person you are dealing with seems to never let you fully forget. Or is forgiveness really as simple as making the decision to forgive....Can you just decide to forgive?? I don't know?!!?
But I do know this......If you will allow yourself to surrender to God, and listen to the Holy Spirit when it stirs your soul....amazing things happen.
Ryan's father is in town today and tomorrow for his monthly visit. He arrived at our home around 3:15 PM. We all spent the afternoon together...went out for dinner and after getting Ryan ready for bed I decided to run to Publix alone while he was here to watch Ryan. As I am pulling back into the driveway I "hear"this - he has no where to stay tonight and if he has the courage to ask let him stay on the couch. I come on in the house....wrestling with my emotions about this...I mean WHAT THE HECK!?!?!??! SERIOUSLY????? LET HIM SLEEP HERE?!?!?!? he will never ask me that...right?!?!?!
After being home for 30 minutes he says to me....."Sam, do you mind if I sleep on your couch? I have no where to stay tonight." So here I am......9:10 PM my baby girl in her room asleep, and her dad asleep on my couch.....she will be so excited when she wakes in the morning and he is here. So maybe forgiveness is not being a fool and forgetting the past - but a simple decision to learn from the past and move gracefully into the future???
God continues to answer my prayers - he reveals that he always knows best - and I am reminded that He is in me, working to heal my heart and as long I trust Him, lean into Him and listen to Him....it will all be OK
Yep, Ryan's father...he is at the root of a lot of my stress, tears, anger, fear and heartache over the past two and half years. At first, when I was pregnant, I prayed for courage, strength and wisdom when dealing with him....to be honest I still pray for that. But lately I have been praying for something else where he is concerned....I have been praying for my heart to heal and that I will truly forgive him - not just "say" I have forgiven him...but to let it all go - give it to God and truly forgive him the debt.
See, I want to forgive...it really seems silly that I haven't/can't considering I have been forgiven of my sin where God is concerned....I mean really how can I not forgive him???? But it has been a struggle for me! I say that I "forgive him" but really in my heart he angers me, he does things that drive me NUTS, he has never "owned" his part or how selfish and awful he treated me, he has not been plugged in and the father that I believe my precious daughter deserves....so I have wondered to myself, is forgiveness a decision? Sometime forgiveness feels like being a fool, I mean how do you just forget the past?? We are only human.....and it is hard to forget...really hard sometimes when the person you are dealing with seems to never let you fully forget. Or is forgiveness really as simple as making the decision to forgive....Can you just decide to forgive?? I don't know?!!?
But I do know this......If you will allow yourself to surrender to God, and listen to the Holy Spirit when it stirs your soul....amazing things happen.
Ryan's father is in town today and tomorrow for his monthly visit. He arrived at our home around 3:15 PM. We all spent the afternoon together...went out for dinner and after getting Ryan ready for bed I decided to run to Publix alone while he was here to watch Ryan. As I am pulling back into the driveway I "hear"this - he has no where to stay tonight and if he has the courage to ask let him stay on the couch. I come on in the house....wrestling with my emotions about this...I mean WHAT THE HECK!?!?!??! SERIOUSLY????? LET HIM SLEEP HERE?!?!?!? he will never ask me that...right?!?!?!
After being home for 30 minutes he says to me....."Sam, do you mind if I sleep on your couch? I have no where to stay tonight." So here I am......9:10 PM my baby girl in her room asleep, and her dad asleep on my couch.....she will be so excited when she wakes in the morning and he is here. So maybe forgiveness is not being a fool and forgetting the past - but a simple decision to learn from the past and move gracefully into the future???
God continues to answer my prayers - he reveals that he always knows best - and I am reminded that He is in me, working to heal my heart and as long I trust Him, lean into Him and listen to Him....it will all be OK
Hi, Sam, it is Stephanie Anglin (Fowler) Reading this blog of yours. I wanted to tell you how beautiful you and your baby girl are. She is just gorgeous. I of course am not giving you advice, but only sharing my experience which is different but in a lot of ways similar to your feelings. When my mom died in high school, I knew my father was having an affair. It really was no secret. HOwever, what I was to find out way too soon afterwards is how much she would hurt my feelings so often and say mean things to me and how she had no idea how to treat two young girls who had just lost their mother to a tireless battle with cancer. She said things to me that I will never forget. We did not get along for a very long time and I didn't get much support as far as my father was concerened. He just wanted everyone to get along so really would not get involved in any disputes. All this goes to get to my point is this: I will never forget the things that happened and that hurt me so badly, but I do forgive. Not really for anyone's benefit but mine. I decided that it didn't hurt any one else in this world to have those hard feelings except myself. It was not fair to me, my husband, or my children to have anger built up inside me. My family now lives 1 mile away from my dad and my stepmom and we all get along great and she treats my children great. But in the end, you never FORGET. You just decide to let the anger out of your heart.
ReplyDeleteHey Steph!
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts exactly!! That was the point I was trying to make - By making the decision to forgive we free ourselves.....and forgiving is simply learning from the past and moving with grace into our futures!
Happy New Year!! :)