Then today I find a few notes on my iPhone of those times when I wrote it down (whatever it was that was on my heart)....and I decided that this one from May 2015 needed to be shared....maybe it will help me get back to finding my clarity or get me over my writers block and give me a boast to write again but at the very least I will have this forever now.
Today reminded me that even when things are hard to explain and/or understand, when things are uncertain and scary that we need not fear for the Lord our God goes with us wherever we go! I know it and I believe it because I have and do live it everyday! I am hoping that sharing my thoughts will always give glory to God by telling of the amazing story He has given me! Below is a "flash back" post I wrote in May of 2015 when my beautiful child asked me a question that wasn't easy to answer.
I've been preparing myself...almost since the day she was born...how will I answer the hard questions, how will explain her birth, how will I make it ok?!?!? I have been preparing....to have this conversation with her in her early teens..ok maybe her later post driving teens :). But she asked me when she was 5....5 years old she wants to know "mommy, you're supposed to get married then have babies....why didn't you?" So as you might imagine I was caught off guard and completely unprepared to answer such a complex question in a way a 5 year old might understand. My first attempt at answering the question...dodge it (not proud of that fact...but it's a fact) but in my sweet daughters true fashion she just circles back around and let me know I had not answered her question and she wants to understand. So I gave her this totally awkward answer about that I had not yet met daddy (Shane) and wasn't supposed to be married until I met him...she kinda nodded and said ok but true to form let me know she still didn't get it. "God wants you to get married first" she says....
So.....I reach out to a friend - asking what do I say? She's 5??? My friend says tell her the truth..."That Jesus had a different plan. Tell her how she saved you (in 5 year old words) "
This is not easy.... This is heavy stuff for a 5 year old. How do I do this? How do I make this ok for her?
Yesterday while riding home from running errands...again true to form (haha) Ryan Olivia asked again....so I told her a story about us. I told her about a girl named Samantha that had a broken heart. She had a broken heart for a long time and she was sad, she made many bad choices but God loved her so much he decided to give her a blessing that she didn't really deserve. He wanted her to know how much he loved her but He knew she couldn't understand the love He had for her right away. As her baby grew in her belly Samantha's heart started to feel...it was scary for her to love but she couldn't help herself. When her baby, Ryan Olivia, was born her mommy was completely overwhelmed with love but she was still scared. She started to pray all the time asking for God to protect her and to show her the way. Slowly she began to heal, and as she knew the amount of love she had for her daughter and that she would do anything and everything to protect her child - she began to understand how God felt about her. During the first year of Ryan Olivia's life her mommy grew closer and closer to God...her broken heart began to heal and before long her heart was whole again! Now that Samantha knew God and His great love for her - she started to trust His plan and His will....she prayed for His blessing and the man/family she believed he would provide for her and Ryan Olivia. So there were sometimes hard days and hard times but mommy and Ryan Olivia were happy, joyful and protected. Then one day God decided it was time...it was time to complete their family. Mommy, met a man named Shane....and she knew almost right away that he was the man that she would be with forever. Within a year they were married and a family was made complete. A daddy, mommy, two brothers and a sister....
After I finished telling her my story, she smiled and said "ok" completely satisfied in that Gods plan for me included her and that our story was different than some but it was beautiful!
So why share this? Well...I guess because we don't have to make it so hard. We don't have to explain it all....we just have to come to Him, and seek His will. He will always provide exactly what we need even when it's words to explain something so complex to a 5 year old child seeking to understand.